Simple Misery

This morning I opened my eyes but I didn’t want to wake up. I didn’t want to get out of bed. So I didn’t do it. I never wanted to see any daylight; my feet did not feel like touching the ground and my mind did not want any class. I bailed out on a C.A.T for the first time in my life. It’s now 1700hrs and I’ve been in bed all day. I haven’t eaten or drank anything…. But it doesn’t really matter. It’s the least of my worries.

Last night I went to bed with enthusiasm. I wanted to get up early and make my Monday morning class after a long time; I wanted a good breakfast and a lovely day. I asked a friend to wake me up when he does so I won’t have to be late. I closed my eyes with a smile on my face… but that was last night.

My alarm went off and my friend called. I opened my eyes but I didn’t move. I didn’t even pick up his call. All I wanted to do was to go back to sleep and have no one bother me ever again. Each time someone knocked, on my door I didn’t even try… I just wanted them to go away. I just wanted to stare at my laptop or the ceiling, perhaps even the door. I just wanted to be left alone.

Junior texts me to hurry for a C.A.T I didn’t know was happening today. I don’t bother to reply because I know I’m not going. I don’t even think about. The only text I care to reply is from an old friend. Soon enough I realize that I had only made things worse. The conversation does nothing for my mood. If anything, it makes me feel worse. Everything is wrong.

The only time I get up is to go to the bathroom. After all, I’m still human. When I come back, I head straight to the window, straight for a razor.

….. I want to do it.

I keep passing it over my wrist but I never gather enough courage to press deep enough. When I do, hardly any blood comes out…. But the little pain freaks me out.

…. I am scared. I don’t want to die.

But I feel I must. Life would be simpler. Then I wouldn’t have to worry about C.A.Ts, practicals, rent, replying a text… If the people I want to care actually gave a damn or if I would ever be happy.

I would be in a better place, heaven or hell. Either way, I won’t have to care no more.

…. I just want the day to be over. I’ll figure things out tomorrow.